Hallo,
Since arriving in Germany, I’ve mostly stayed at AIB or my host family’s house to study. But I’ve really missed having access to a library that’s open 24/7, or even just late into the night. Back home, I would walk to the Annex Library and lock in for hours, often losing track of time. Here, finding a study space has been harder. I didn’t realize at first that everything shuts down on Sundays, and that even during the week, places open late and close early.
One morning, I got up early, hoping to grab coffee and start my day strong, but nothing was open. I walked around the city looking for a place to study and came up empty. I felt like I had wasted time and failed myself by falling off schedule. At the same time, I see my host mom, who works a calm job, sitting outside in the evenings to read and enjoy the fresh air. She makes time to relax, and she doesn’t seem to feel guilty about it. For me, that still feels foreign. I constantly feel pressure to be doing something productive. Even relaxing can feel wrong. I know this isn’t something every American experiences, but among the STEM students I know at Texas A&M, this kind of constant hustle is normal. There’s always pressure to get ahead through internships, research, and volunteering. I’ve internalized the belief that success comes from nonstop work, and that mindset has followed me here. So when my host mom starts a deep, thoughtful conversation, my first instinct, though it feels rude to admit, is that I don’t have time to talk. And that makes me feel even worse, because she’s being kind and generous with her time.
This experience has forced me to reflect. I haven’t fully shifted my mindset, but I’m starting to notice the discomfort I feel when things slow down. And I’m beginning to ask myself: what am I really afraid of when I stop working? Living in Germany has challenged me to rethink how I define productivity, success, and rest. I’m still figuring out how to balance my drive to achieve with the need to enjoy life and connect with people. But I know this discomfort is important, and I hope it leads to growth.
Tschüss!,
Jemima
Howdy Jemima, I COMPLETELY understand what you mean. I feel the exact same way when it comes to hard work and needing to succeed. The constant need to do my best even when we are already fighting hard to maintain any sense of stability. As women in STEM I know how it can feel if we are not working endlessly it can feel like we aren’t doing enough. I hope you know that you are a human before you are a student. You got this!!!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say this reflection really blew me away. I totally relate to the fact that the hustle is so real for us Americans trying to find our way in the STEM field. I do think, however, the take away is huge even for life even back in CSAT. Life is too short to be stressing yourself out. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteHowdy Jemima! I've noticed the same thing about stores closing early. It is difficult to remember that I can't just stop by the store on the way home depending on what time it is. I also experience the same thing with study spots when I go home from College Station because there is only one library and it is public, so the hours are 10-5. I love how you discussed how productivity depends on your perception of it.
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